Overcoming Trauma & Avoidant Attachment

This is is part of my live-learning series! I will be updating this post as I continue through my journey. I apologize for any grammatical errors or incoherent thoughts. This is a practice to help me share things that are valuable without falling apart from the pressure of perfection.

After some events in my life, I’ve realized just how much work I have to do.

Like every person who touches this earth, I’ve experienced trauma. Some of that has had a lasting impact on me. Sometimes I’m conscious of it. Other times I’m not.

Ignorance can be bliss. It can also cause pain and suffering to the ones you love most. It is my responsibility to inform myself, understand how my own hurt is impacting others, and work to become a better version of myself so I can radiate and give love, not hurt and demean.

I’m working on this as I go just like everything in life. There are some uncomfortable truths I am confronting here. That’s okay.

Attachment Theory

An influential British Psychologist and Psychiatrist John Bowlby observed the lifelong impact of relationships in early childhood.

People could be:

1. Secure
2. Anxious
3. Avoidant

Some Video Resources

How to Cope With an Avoidant Partner – YouTube
The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships – YouTube
Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up – YouTube
What Is Your Attachment Style? – YouTube
20 Signs You’re Emotionally Mature – YouTube

Some Written Resources

Rewiring Your Avoidant, Anxious, or Fearful Attachment Style | Psychology Today
How to Stop Attachment Insecurity from Ruining Your…
Here’s what it means if you have an avoidant attachment style – Business Insider
The attachment secret: are you a secure, avoidant or anxious partner? | Life and style | The Guardian
Avoidant Attachment: Understanding Insecure Avoidant Attachment

I don’t like to feel vulnerable.

I feel like I have been abandoned multiple times in my life. I can point to a few, impactful conscious ones. It’s sad to admit how much our childhood has an impact on us. I see more, now than ever, that not only do the feelings of abandonment come from my early years, but continue as I grow up. The truth is I am still just a child. Often, a broken, sad one. The lost boy.

When Have I Felt Abandoned?

1. My dad’s struggles with alcoholism and anger.

When things were good he was an awesome man. Funny, caring, with a full-bellied laugh. He worked hard and he did try to be a better person.

But, when he was upset, hurt, anxious, or intoxicated, he was terrifying and violent.

He couldn’t help himself. He still can’t. He’s a lost boy just like I am.

2. My dad having an affair on my mom.

This was devastating to be a part of. I was there the night my grandfather told my mom what my dad was doing to her.

My memory is blurry, but I actually believe I saw video footage of it. My grandpa had recorded my dad and his partner on a camera that he used to film horses giving birth.

It was a woman my grandpa had hired. It was someone we actually liked a lot. She was very kind to us. This only made it worse.

My mom shook, cried and screamed as I, at maybe 10 years old, held her and laid in bed crying too. Although the memory is distorted, I still remember it as one of the most painful nights of my life.

3. My family forced us to leave the farm when my mom wouldn’t leave my dad after the affair.

I love my grandma and family and farm so much. But because of the affair my mom and dad, our family banded together and told us we had to leave the farm. The family saw the pain my parent’s relationship caused my mom, my dad, my sister and I.

We didn’t communicate with our family for years. The home we grew up on for years was taken from us.

I remember one day when my mom, sister and I were driving into London, she asked if we wanted her to stay with our dad. We were too young at that age to truly understand. That was way too much to ask young children.

We both said no. But, that relationship was all my mom knew. My dad and mom had been together since young adults.

My dad said he would go to therapy (he didn’t) and my mom committed to continuing to try. We moved to Lucan where things fell apart quickly, leading to a year-long situation where my mom and dad still lived together knowing they were divorcing. Full of vitriol and sadness, my mom cried upstairs and my dad cried downstairs, giving my sister and I nowhere to go.

The pain of seeing my mom and dad go through that was unbearable enough. But, losing everyone else in the family at the same time is pain that still hasn’t healed.

4. Isolating and losing connection with friends and family when I had my breakdown at 21.

I felt so abandoned at this time in life. I had such a big group of friends.

During the period of my breakdown, I lived with a group of guys I played hockey with. I was told I was crazy. I was made fun of. At a party, some of them destroyed my bedroom and wrote horrible things on the walls.

Almost all of my friends disappeared or stopped talking to me. I was disturbed and incoherent and I don’t blame them. They weren’t prepared for that. Still, it hurt deeply.

5. Revealing I was Bisexual.

Honestly, this was one of the experiences I actually didn’t feel as abandoned. There was a lot of awkwardness and definitely some people who disconnected, but many of the people I cared about offered support.

Something that sticks out to me is that this barely is addressed. Only sometimes has my family been comfortable enough to bring this up, try to make a joke, or ask me questions.

I didn’t do a very good job sharing this with everyone. A lot of it is on me. I’m thankful for how hard everyone tried. Yet, I still can’t help but feel a bit abandoned.

6. Getting put into a dangerous place by a girl I thought cared about me at my most vulnerable state.

A girl I talked to on the phone and built a relationship with told me I could come to stay at her place in Toronto. She was so kind and caring. I thought I had found someone who could help me heal. So, desparate, alone, and afraid I went.

This led to one of the most humiliating parts of my life. She was hurt in her own way. She lied about the address. I ended up homeless in Toronto for over a week, tripping on mushrooms, crying and screaming. Walking around the city for hours. I ended up at the Mission where I saw fights and robberies.

Still, the girl continued tormenting me. Even after she knew I was suicidal, she continued to send me messages. I had no money, and finally, she paid for my ticket home. I hope she is okay.

7. Abandoned by Robyn for not being able to commit.

I really did love Robyn. I realize now how much this avoidance and attachment insecurity must have hurt her. I’m sad I ever did. She was closer to secure attachment, but still was anxious and struggled with insecurity. Her parents had gone through their own difficulties and split during Robyn’s childhood around the same time.

I didn’t want to commit to her, and at some point, she had to give up. We both knew and needed it to, but it still hurt so much.

It made me believe I wasn’t worth it.

8. Feeling hurt and shame when Shahed that I was incapable of love and helping another person, cold, heartless. And when she leaned on another Tyler because of it.

It was relatively soon after my relationship with Robyn and I knew I had a lot of problems. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t believe in love. I thought relationships were doomed to fail.

Then I met Shahed. She made me feel free. Like I could be myself.

Even though I knew there is something wrong with me, Shahed was special. She made me feel special.

She means a lot to me. It was painful, but, I tried to open myself up. Sometimes it’s felt amazing and everything I wanted and other times it has hurt and broken me down.

I’m still blurry on the details of this whole Tyler thing. Maybe I always will be. Maybe that’s why I feel so uncomfortable. But that, combined with a relationship that has surfaced some deep problems and hurtful words now pulsing through my head has left me in a spot I’ve never been before.

I’m not really sure what to do. I keep pausing pain. For others. People I care about a lot. For myself.

I do feel a bit broken after all of this. Maybe I just need time. Maybe I need therapy. I realize now I feel like my mom. Even if nothing bad happened it feels like it didn’t. I can’t say much I’m no better of a person.

Smaller Events

– Getting cut from the Elgin-Middlesex Chief AAA hockey team by Jeff Shipley even though I played well and deserved to make it.

– Getting drafted to the Oshawa Generals OHL team and then seeing their entire staff get fired the next day.

– Losing our childhood dog Scout. He got sick and became unrecognizable and I hated being around him by the end.

– Being made fun of for having a high voice when I was in late public school and early high school.

Positive Affirmations

You are capable of giving and receiving love.

You deserve love.

Just because your parent’s love didn’t work out doesn’t mean yours won’t.

It is okay to be vulnerable.

You really do want love. It’s okay.

You don’t have to be so scared.

If someone hurts you, that’s okay! We all have pain. It’s almost certain they don’t mean to. And if they do, you learn.

Work is not everything. Life and love are.

You don’t need to be so self-reliant.

Not every person will hurt you as others have.

Falling in love is taking a risk but love is worth it.

You know you don’t want to be alone. Find love and cherish it.

You don’t have to continue to repeat the cycle.

Keep Your Head High

Still, through it all, I somehow main some shred of optimism. I hope I can continue to hold on to it and forge forward.

Thanks so much for checking this out. I’ll be back to improve this content for you.

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