Tyler talks about Filling The Void & Finding Your Purpose during a green Sunday with the girlfriend gone. Tyler touches on finding purpose, the voids we have in our lives and creating and loving hip-hop. Tyler has a couple blank moments courtesy of the green, the concussion, and overall intelligence but manages to pull everything together for a good broadcast. Enjoy!

Transcript (Unedited)

How everyone it is told of bride in June 24, 2018, checking in from my, I guess, I would say loft apartment a duplex, I guess but sitting here on a Sunday, enjoying it the best one. I know how, and a girlfriend is a briefer baby shower, some kind of shower, party, something like that. Maybe even a bachelor at I don’t know, but anyway, she’s gone for a couple of hours, and so I’m hanging out here by myself, not very nice day out.

You should be outside or I had out to my grandparents farm or… or even go see my mother out out on the outskirts of the city here in London, Ontario. But just in… it happened today, and so I’m sitting here and I believe there’s some rain starting, I’ve been using this microphone the UAE Pro at or quite a while but I’ve had some really big problems with the microphone, the USB to computer, the USB to the microphone so that the computer can plug in and they can report it directly through the actual USB. It’s that bluey prostate two options, the USB and then as also as the XL red XLR is more professional recording and you have an audio interface that you then connect into the computer. But other decent… and the reason why the “bolete Pro is such a nice microphone is ’cause it gives you both of those options, in a really nice microphone at a pretty good price itself. Really sound like I’m pitching this really heavy button. It was one of those good purchases that I really made besides having a couple of problems here and being back it up in action today, makes me feel real good to have you back here and hopefully you can remain consistent throughout this little whatever I’m doing here. This is probably gonna find itself upon tier talks, which is just a little spot trying to figure out where I wanna prep my content. And even though, fact that I just said that sounds so weird, but I’ve been looking at what’s so amazing about the internet, is that at any time, someone can drop in, find a person that they hadn’t heard about before drop in, and then basically navigate through their entire journey through images, videos and things, they left on. And if you’re coming tasting audio recordings and I think it’s just such an amazing, amazing thing, that… But I even take it for granted and there’s so many people who are documenting their lives right now, and often, this is backlash and I feel you’re spending too much time documenting your life that you’re not even enjoying it.

There might be some truth to that, but at the same time, I get why they’re doing it, they wanna be able to look back, they want to be able to share that story and archive their life and hopefully, I mean, in most cases, I believe, use that, use that journey to help the people, their children, their grandchildren have better lives based on what they experience and what they did.

And so I started to think more about that and why it’s so important to actually leave some sort of content to or just something that you know, whether it’s way down the line and see your grandchildren looking at this, or it’s just some person on the internet, who’s Rose and looking for stuff, and comes across something that you’ve created and it actually impacts their life. I think that’s the reason to do it and we hate it, the internet has the ability to basically index almost anything we want. And that’s gotten some people in trouble, and also a lot of good things have happened out of that as well, too, but the internet’s a powerful beast and archiving and sharing that information in our stories of our life in that way.

I do wanna try to stop being so negative towards people who were creating so much.

I really admire what they do. There’s a couple of people who have fall who aren’t really big, big influences or anything, but Instagram in 40, 50-000, follows who I see them out of work that they put in to their content, and how much time it takes to answer comments and go through and make connection online with these people and actually grow their following and it’s really impressive what they do, and I don’t think I think a lot of people who don’t have necessarily to success with that stuff. I criticize it and say that it’s an artificial life and all that stuff, but there’s a lot of opportunity to has been created out of that, and if it’s right for them, then it’s right for them. If it’s not right for you, it’s not right, for you.

And I think I’m a person who gets caught in that judgment to a lot a lot and I am really trying to slow that down.

So it’s just in the afternoon and I don’t know if you can hear there’s a little over it actually.

And that’s what I really do love about this place where I’m living at right now, we’re just ranting and Ealing around the area everywhere here in Canada, never were in the US, just in the world. The Monolith over generalize, but the housing costs, the housing prices over and dramatically, and so we’re renting here cell spot to live, but it’s beautiful, it’s got a back yard. Got a ton of great nature with us, it intertwined with all the trails throughout one in Ontario, here where we can go by and go for walking and we spend a lot of time out there doing that.

In fact, I’ve been trying to run five kilometers every Sunday, but with the rain coming down and enough it might be a slippery journey today, so I might have to wait for that to cool down a bit. So, what did I want to talk about to Antoni? Had a couple of things when I was like thinking about if I was gonna do this and I was actually gonna have to head in to my office if I wanted to do this and make a recording, I was like, this is this so much work to do on a Sunday, and I’m gonna have to go back there tomorrow. I do believe I was actually in there yesterday to… I do believe you should take a break from that work location, especially during the weekend, when your time to you. I think when you spend six days you spend seven days in the office and you had to go back in on the Monday, you have had to break your mind just doesn’t have that reset point, even if it’s a subconscious for the set point and I think that’s something you have to avoid. And so, I’m so happy sitting here in my house today recording this, my desire to actually start recording. It’s come out of a line of I just think so much so, and I’m trying to write some music and a lot of it I think comes around this as well too, is about this frustration about trying to get out who I really am, but know growing up and being so I felt so ashamed and sometimes guilty of who I am or what I was saying and in a lot that I think part of that comes out of growing up basically in a very… I would say it was on the farm out in the farm, and the old country side out there, not really 200 minutes north of just London which is about 40000 people, but we grew up rural, scroll public school that was just a lot of money, there was just a lot of same-ness and even white people would get racism as them ’cause that was like the farthest we saw it was a white person from hole and… oh, you had a Dutch accent, you lose. That was how I was raised. And so part of that was for me, I was I was always a massive that not always I can’t say always, but there was a big hip-hop fan and I just don’t know what caught it for me. So young I discovered hip-hop through actually my dad and I believe this is in any way, this is the story that I tell myself that he had a man album, I believe it was the worst.

He’s standing on the stage. It’s the show. I’m butchering this, to the fact that I care. I remember this, I don’t know if it’s the manche. And that was like the first time I remember listening to it, I found this thing that he had sort of like jam in his drivers. You know, the drivers but when you put all your insurance information, and everything is… so, to listen to it in a, with the… the this is guy is square and he’s bathing real quick end. And that was like my first real exposure to hip-hop and… and then I was just meeting Love I said… whatever the fuck this is, this is fucking do. Let’s learn and find out more about this. And so I went from really quickly from Mann association 50 cent set with huge and I was going like This was great. Six, seven, eight. And I’m in this rural school called adult and they’re all farmers, they’re all… you know what mean, yes, could not stand as stuff.

And I’ve got like a G unit shirt on, on this white skinny boy with braces and shit, and I just love and get love. 50 Cent Lloyd banks, the game all the fucking crew back in the day. And it made it weird, if I started writing from a really young age, I just enjoyed it. I started listening, I was deep Into Lippincott was I listened, I Moda tall quality, I was all the concise common obviously Kane and I just started writing and I remember it, my first song and I had this angst coming from my childhood and just sort of a rough childhood and growing up and having a lot of shifts and things happen though I started right and all the time and I was right, and then, it was 12-13 years old, I think, and it might have even been earlier than that. And they would do all these emotional songs, and really just sort of raw honesty and what I thought were just not just always good, sometimes, sometimes it was just violent, aggressive to the Creator, shit Canaan, or whatever fought back.

I was rested, peace buddy.

So we met a… and so I just, I wrote and I wrote and actually got a little recording set up convinced my grandma to convince my grandma actually helped me buy this, and I got Pro Tools and I got a microphone and I got so soft foam and everything, I was way too much money, it was a horrible thing I did, I got a lot of trouble for got so much stuff under my grandma and Thank you, grandma love you.

I was one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for me. Love gram.

And so I started actually using Pro Tools. I was recording to had the audio set up a Mike spit and nasty flows all my stuff was over, it was so compressed I didn’t know how to record profit, was all just… well, just peak and red, red, red, red the whole time and they were pretty good, they were actually pretty decent. I had the very white basic boy flow just like… so when you see a… that’s my name, probably we see, but that’s the game. I always like that, and I still fucking wrap like that, but I started one of the show people that… but it just felt, I was playing hockey, I was in Triple A was where a suit suits and ties to these games and getting scouted and had possibly having chances that anchor ships are in the very, very long run. Any Chilean playing professional hockey that way. And I just felt like I can’t start fucking wrapping like I can’t do this in a front everyone night I’m gonna get Shame, shame, shame shame. And so I would show the band show the boys and even to the guys in the hockey team would less into it and encouraged me and shit sometimes, but never really went for and did anything with it. And then I got into high school, later in high school, and then university where I was free town parties and shit. everyone’s drunk and having some… having a couple of drinks and probably a couple of other things as well, too. And just free town, and making jokes at each other, and roast in each other.

It was pretty… a little decent crew guys who could re-there.

There was a lot of fun, but it just, it didn’t feel even though that was having in a… I don’t know, I didn’t feel appropriate.

It never really feels appropriate, I feel, I don’t know what it is. Is it white cultural shame that I feel when I wrap I just don’t know, and I really enjoy it. I think it’s a beautiful way to get your emotions out.

And I think Art in general, such a powerful way. And I can’t draw, I can’t dance.

A wrapping is really the only thing I can do, and so that’s why I do it, but it’s sort of a shame that you get in a situation like that. And I think when we’re young, we’re growing up, we get way too caught up in just the fact that you don’t wanna put stuff out. Do I don’t want to embarrass me, I don’t… at the same… if you feel all that stuff that we talk about, and I think it causes… I think it causes a lot of intent, I think, a lot of difficulty for kids growing up and just not to be able to most likely be themselves to their full expression because of the… just what people believe you should be doing and what the the way the world appears to be like in the systems and just the stigma. That’s pre-one, it’s sort of disappointing that there are a ton of people out there walking on the every day, myself included, who just are living or true for the IC cells, and it feels like a mix of a lot of things. It feels like, it feels like we’re doing our best to to be ourselves, but we… we can’t quite figure it out because there are so many different vantage points that people are judging us from and so many different obstacles that we have to overcome to get to certain places and sometimes we can’t be our authentic self to fit in that place. And I also think there’s a piece of this that’s just we as humans are all bearing some darker deeper things inside of us that were too often, too scared to throw out into the public in fear of judgment and in a lot of ways, but I think we’re all we’ve seen right now is that happening, the darker inner workings of people are coming to right now, and we’re seeing that quite… quite clearly through a lot of systematic and legislative changes, but also just cultural and public opinion changes, in… and so maybe that causes a ton of problems right now, but it’s one of those things you have to know the shadow you have to know the dark side of yourself before you can really, truly find the authentic self, that what the truth is and so that’s sort of a crappy thought that you have to explore your own darkness, is something that I think everyone is scared to do. And again, that’s myself included, but I think it’s an important part of knowing… knowing who we are and I think collectively as a people of who we are as well too.

So anyways, I couldn’t quite work up the nerve to do this hip hop stuff any music? I never really put it out to put out a little album, one on it, was on iTunes.

It was on Spotify, and it was before I was really paying attention to, I just was trying to do something to win to get out and I put it out and actually didn’t sell some the people but I put it up on Bandcamp and a couple of people bought it and stuff, and then I actually put in iTunes and Spotify and YouTube and all this stuff, and so it was actually making some money, which was crazy, it was not a ton of money, but it is passing. I was like probably 25 or 40 bucks a month that sometimes because of the YouTube streams for some reason, not some agent somehow. My one son got into this Spanish broadcaster YouTubers video and he pitted in the intro or something and so every time someone watched those videos, it would count as a play for me. So I had a 200-000 views, and so that was actually making me money through YouTube, and I started to look at the stuff. I you know what man, I bought, I bought a bunch of leases of websites to actually use that beat, but I don’t believe I actually have the right to all this online through iTunes and Spotify. And stuff. I said, Fox, so I take those off and it’s too bad ’cause it was a really cool piece of music I put it together and so a pretty jagged time in my life and it was sort of like Free styles, but there was also a couple of… well produce on and I just put it together and make some art work and I should have done it more professionally, but it still was very sort of experimental, and I hope to re-share it again. And actually, we take this the and Nixon master and do it properly one day. But even though I did that… you don’t really push… and I think what is that next level of pushing when you’re making music or want to make news?

That’s a big question that I’m having right now and just because I’m exploring the idea of what does that look like if I actually wanted to create some music consistently, and try to make a little either to… or I actually try to do something and see if I can turn it into any sort of venture that diversified the way that I’m making money and doing things in society, and navigating through this world I think the ability to at least in some ways get up on stages perform a lot of times, I think just speaking would be good enough as well, too, but do something like that. It gives you opportunities in other ways too. And so that beginning you see so many artists come in to Music. Switch over not switch over, but also move that into fashion move in to make up, move into anything shoes all the stuff we… we’ve seen these artists going to all the time, and all these, some pretty weird ones too, but such a interesting way that the digital landscape has shifted. And this is a book right now that I’m actually in an audio on Audible from Amazon. Sure, that out, ’cause it’s really interesting but it’s talking about the new music business, which has changed so much from the traditional, the traditional way that it came out and I was just watching the other day walk hard with… Do we cocoons Riley?

Great movie really funny. But it really shows how obviously, in a parody form, but how the traditional career went and compared to now, where the artist playing a sound cloud, their artists who have been around for ever were dropping massive albums, some of them flopping some of them was working on… well, we’ve got Bay and Jay making almost Kees going crazy. Do you make a solid growing income for a career like that? And in the place, what I believe what you can see what all these artists wanna do is they wanna make that money more passively, and so you can make streams to Spotify through all this stuff. But we’ve heard enough about how it really isn’t fair to the artist, how little they’re getting paid for these streams, and you need no really millions and millions of streams to make a sustainable, profitable living from anything like that.

So what does that look like, how do you do it? Do you have to go at independent? You go through a major label, where do you start to get in the shows where do you book the people? All this stuff is so crucial to actually be getting that journey.

And you need a team of people to do that and you need before you can get a team, you need to have some respect, there’s some sort of fracture or I just feel like something happening to hype up people around you, to get you get them interested in supporting you and helping grow you as a person, as an artist, and hopefully starting a movement that in the end, benefits everyone within the group that’s obviously something that would be a powerful position to be in that, I think, is a very stressful massive mission of these artists. For the example, I would say logic even like Jaco like a bunch of these bigger artists, they support the whole entire career or a crew around them and that’s a big… that’s a big task for them. Mini don’t know how to do something. Is guys rolled through with so many dudes the… they’ve got them all on payroll, it’s all going down, clean like that. That’s an expensive, expensive… group of people have around you, and so you need to be putting that work on. Can you be making sure you’re making hats that you’re supporting everyone? I know when it’s music, it’s stuff people are emotional people are a little bit more sensitive than maybe a traditional work life and so you’re dealing with people stuff as well, too. It’s crazy what you’d have to deal with as an artist if you were doing that stuff.

So I don’t think that’s something that is taken on lightly, but what is that route? I think you need to do anything if you wanna do anything, you need to have that group of people for you. And I said A political mission that goes down. These are questions that I think a lot of people are asking Who are young. I believe young progressive. I wouldn’t say they always had to reset. Just getting active trying to figure out how can they make an impact, how can they fulfilled their purpose while doing it?

And then, of course, always is to live sustainably and have some quality of life.

I know I’m asking that about myself. I know a lot of people are asking about that in searching for that, especially at a younger age and I think a lot of the sort of pain… and so, from that comes from those young years is really not understanding. I’ll just not understanding that much about the world in general, but not understanding who you truly are, and what your purpose is. And I mean, not in, but sort of the side thing that I’ve realized is that that doesn’t really change in age, you see people who are now all the time reinventing themselves at different ages of all sorts who have something happened and really do have a change, a part or they make a change for good in their life tour, they make a bad change from bad change, and we’ve seen that over and over again. So when you’re looking for that, and when you’re looking for that purpose, it’s really a crazy how short of material we are on doing that, I mean, I know there, I don’t even wanna say how many by hundreds of thousands of books writing about finding out who you are and finding a purpose and mindfulness and all this stuff, but what is the practical way, what are the things that need to happen? And when you find yourself in a state of maybe purpose that you… or a lack of purpose, that you don’t wanna be in, what can you do to get yourself on the path to be in where you actually wanna be? How much of being on that path that you’re currently on is you second guessing and having recurring Negeri thought of putting herself down and how much of that is truth and how much is real is a difficult thing to think to figure out I think as well, too, because you’re for trying to… everyone’s trying to find the best person just trying to be that best person that I can be, and I think a lot of life is about trying to figure out who you are and what your purpose is. And again, we wrestle with purpose, so many of us, we have find meaning or lose meaning in either way, we need to… as humans are curious and have a need to figure out why get scary when I don’t have a thought for a second, I’m just like thinking about what I’m saying and I’m like, “Do they think the podcast just end or whatever, this is that they think the daughter has stopped talking? I’m still here, I don’t know, I don’t know how to… when I’m speaking when I often time this has happened multiple times, already, and I’m talking, if you probably can probably tell while I’m speaking, I forget about what the original point was or what I was just talking about. And that’s been a big fear of mine lately. I’m wondering what that is, why can I be doing something? Well, why do I walk into a room and then all of a sudden forget why I’m in there? Forget what I was supposed to be doing. Part of this nature is part of this.

Just getting little bit older. I’m turning 26. which people would think about people I would say. I don’t think that’s supposed to be start happening at 26. is it because of depression that I’ve had in the past and passion that I’m feeling now is that a drug is is a concussion from hockey is it?

What is it that is making me do that? Just have those little blanks and forget what I’m saying. And what I often say to describe it is, I’ll be talking, and when I feel like you’re talking… you’re saying what you’re saying, currently, and then almost on it. For me, it’s like the right side of my brain. I have a thought bubble that forms and that thought bubble is that next thought that next path I’m going down, with my words and what I’m gonna say and I’ll often just see it, I can see it forming and then it’s almost like it pops the lil’ pops. And the thought is, Conan hen. The shock of seeing that pop throws me back to the other side of what I was just saying it makes me forget that. So I get caught in this little like spot of just, “I have no idea what I’m saying or what I was saying. And that’s a horrible thing, especially when you’re trying to like Ben and even do something like this.

I’m working on it. Have any suggestions about how to improve that member? I think that’s something that I’m actually gonna really double down on and take a look at and fortunately I have a little bit of a green habit, that doesn’t help that very much, but I’m considering that as part of the removing that is part of the solution as well, too, if that’s truly what could be causing these gaps.

But Orin us all back. And even this sort of has, I guess, somewhat of a connection when you’re doing something and you’re having those negative little thoughts, try to pull back and peel back layers and ask, “Is this truly me, “is this really what I want, or is this what my girlfriend wants is my family wants is this: What would a my dad out all these things that run through your mind when you’re making a decision, often, subconsciously in micro seconds, have a big impact on, on decisions. And I think just overall, I do it all the time. We’ve really underestimate how much those decisions, have an impact on our lives currently. But then also, down the road. Sometimes, these decisions that we don’t realize you’re so big at a time that when we process all that stuff and don’t take the moment in the time to just take a look and unpack it and make sure that you’re making everything right, we don’t make that when you don’t have that time to dedicate. And really think and look at that process through, then you can make a bad judgement CO and that can have some really, really big implications, and that he… and that’s the drive that’s helping us try to find purpose often were making those decisions. We’re seeing the implications and the next time we’ve now seen what happens when we go off on path there or make a little swerve, down. One thing that might not end you up in the best spot it’s important to learn and start to understand the things that are help aiding towards your purpose and then things that are taking removing you and taking you away from your purpose, and even if you’re going incrementally improving day-by-day over just small little percentage that now always try to think would if I just improve on percent.

Today is a percent it’s not that hard time.

What can you do? They like today and they, as I mentioned, a for a run, that makes me one percent better, even if that’s not essentials. My thing on that one, that’s my collecting that will make me one percent Bataan quicker. Next time I’m gonna have that energy throwing running through me, I’m building up insurance and building up long capacity, I’m doing all these things that are incrementally helping me be a better person which are also spreading out with having compounding positive effects to everything in my life. One percent and sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it’s not. I know I struggle a lot of time with getting to that one percent. Some days I wake up, I’m motivated I wake up just void of meaning, some days.

And then again, if you’re listening to this and you know me, now that I run my own company and work with bunch of non-profits and some businesses as well too, to basically run their Google Ad Grants running or Google Ad words and for non-profits to Google Ad Grants program, which gives non-profits, 10K each month, a free advertising, so I set that up and run those programs for them and then for businesses, they just manage their actual money spent on those platforms, and it’s just a small accounts. But when you do that… and it really shifted the way that I’ve run that business and what I wanted to do with it, and what I really even thought it was you.

I’m sorry, I apologize again. This is where I forget what I was talking about and what I need to say. I’ve made a lot of… made a lot of shifts and I made a lot of changes in the way that I’ve run it and days in the beginning it was constantly working, and I was doing web development and much more project-based stuff where it was started from nothing and build a website and get it out on a server and just get it up online and really build something on to nothing. And so, that whole process was manual hands-on resource intensive, whereas what amazing now, so I get to run accounts meaning that I set up, I add some campaigns I need to wait seven to 14 days often to get enough data to me even see if if those pans are running well or if I’ve done a good job. And so there’s a lot of implementation. watching, watching, watching okay, making a couple of tweaks optimizations tweaks watching, watching, watching, and that’s great, it’s great for… I think life, quality of life, these people who are working with me, they like working me with me, they’re on contracts often for six months or a year, and even stay on longer than that, and it just makes for a much more balanced life. I can predict the cash locomotive to know how much money I’m gonna have, which definitely changes how you’re functioning, or your living life and just again, that quality of life.

And so that’s given me a lot of freedom. What I’m doing, I still need to be doing a better job and I’m always improving and trying to do a better job while working through. Obviously, you can tell a lot of other things in my mind and in my life, I guess, and if I continue to grow this business, it puts me in a great spot of helping non-perfect every day, I get to run actually a successful business that’s actually making me, a living and paying for things. I get to sit up here and I’ve got a nice computer with a microphone and it’s what’s nice and all this stuff. And a lot of people I think with… and I feel horrible for saying it, but I just feel like they just think that should be enough, and I’m just not fully satisfied, I’m not feeling as fulfilled as I need to and I don’t know if it… ’cause I’m not doing good a job. I think part of it is because I work with that in turn a guy “Altamira and another team that I may be working with your son but all that is virtual and not in person. So I’m wondering if it’s not enough person to connection but I do get to work down town in that co-working space and bump into people that are friends and I enjoy every day, a lot of I think frustration-maybe feels out that I’m not so getting stagnant in my learning because of the niche that I’m taking, I feel like I need to continue to learn and maybe I need to be around maybe people who are more advanced and smarter than I am, so that I can actually just become better and grow and I think that’s such an important part of my life is that growth to actually proving that quality of life and making me happy and I think he tomatoes, I say that, “I think this recording that I’m doing right now is talking that I’m trying to do is helping me navigate that it’s helping me figure this stuff out. And that includes this microphone. What I’m doing right now, that include the music that I’m writing and it’s really come out of this place of, I’m hoping and I’m getting closer to who I am trying anyways, and I’m also willing to let go of some of the judgment and the embarrassment and shame and this how scared I was when I wanted to do stuff like this. Yes, now I’m gonna be 26, and probably writing music and trying to release me as I can maybe do some videos and stuff, but you know I’m at least gonna get I’m least gonna get to be me, I’m gonna get to explore who I wanted to be. And even if it’s not as successful as this maybe I hope her as what people would be considered actually successful, then that’s the way life isn’t.

At least I got to do it and try not.

There’s the other side of this, so of course, is I’ve spent a lot of time in these when I was called the primal times, really, I would say, five years of my life and even maybe, I don’t know, probably five years of my life when I really had a tough time with my mental health until I got at least somewhat towards a balanced part in my business, which took basically three full years.

And when you’re that promote man, it sucks like it hurts you are.

And I was just reading an article about it, on it.

Actually it was amazing or equal.

Have to share that as well too, but also just how much damage it does to your body and your brain when you are living in poverty basically. And I was living in poverty, I would say, until six months ago I was living in party and even now I could easily fall back with some bad decisions as I’m hoping I don’t make. Then that’s the risk. When you’re running your own business, then then you shouldn’t be again apologize there’s the blank.

I’m trying to record, trying to record these blanks and figure out why they’re happening and when they’re happening, and if you guys know this, a parent, please let me know, ’cause I’m really, I really don’t enjoy it, I’m trying to get better. But I was making a point, I just really can’t remember what it was, and that is frustrating for me it’s frustrating.

As a listener, I’m getting 31 minutes into this conversation, here and that’s a pretty long time. I don’t know if it’s, again, concussions lack focus what it is but you can see how debilitating it ability got it, it would be in your life, if you if this is really a consistent thing that’s happening and it’s something that I’ve explained my frustration is to other people, and that I’m actually looking at getting inspected medically as well too, and I’m hoping it’s not, it might just be a form of your stupid dollar, you’re just a dumb boy, you can’t remember things.

Or again, it is a mental health basis, at depression or is it some damage done from concussions and his, the head welling sports all this makes for a weird world that I’m living in a cult, a difficult world to navigate, sometimes. And it makes me, it makes me scared, I get scared like I put out this pot, I put out this podcast again, whatever this is, I mean most likely no one’s gonna listen to it, but if they do, what do they think?

Do I sound retarded, and I shouldn’t use that word sorry, am I making sense of my entertaining any intelligent on my articulating things which I feel like I can’t infinite story sometimes even though I’m doing my best here. Those are all things that really matter, and I hope I hope I can get that across part of this, I think, I believe is just not doing enough of that stuff. I’m trying to get better at it. I’m trying to be more conscious, while I talk, and I’m not just doing this by myself, anymore, I’m doing corporate training for a well-respected college here in the city and in front of 30 people teaching them how to do digital marketing and all this crazy stuff, and now I’m trying to just be conscious, be focused through a good job to liver. Most people would say I’m navigating through that quite well, but when you’re in your own brain, when you know your own capabilities, and you know just how sharp you should be that, and it just doesn’t happen, it’s it’s, honestly, it’s a really difficult thing to deal with. And I’ve had some conversations with good friends and even people who I haven’t known who played hockey and that we’ve just got talking right away and talk about, they feel like their brain is damaged, door or that they’ve had some suffering and many of them have had concussions, and had one guy tell me that he’s getting hurt all the time from this stuff just because he had some cushions in and now we slightly bumping, his head off a staircase and getting a concussion and that’s really, really scared us hundreds of thousands of kids and people playing right now, and growing up into the sport and suffering brain injuries that are just horrible and we’ve seen some really terrible things that have come out of it and it just that… yeah, that’s scary.

I ran hockey and I try to keep kids safe, when they play. But I’m saying like you don’t know what one person is thinking we’ve seen what’s going on the world, right now, there’s some bad people out there and they wanna hurt people, they just, they just wanna be there and fuck shit up and these kids are playing hockey a lot of the time, they’re hitting kids, and they’re hurting people. The kid that gave me a concussion, he wanted to hurt me.

I know I was in a big play off at me one to hurt me, and he did, he did, he may be impacted me every single day of my life after that hit, and I don’t think he was aware that I don’t think he knew that. I don’t think a lot of people know that, but we’re starting to become aware of that, and if we still wanna see that stuff happen then you’re gonna see people like people who are… I haven’t Bertil times, including myself.

You’re gonna see them continue to struggle and you’re gonna see that population grow. We’re at risk for suicide, where IT risk for violence, were at work for a ton of horrible things just because we played a sport and people in that sport. Let this happen in a lot of cases we’ve seen knowingly let that happen and it’s scary stuff, man.

We’re obviously learning now, but we did not know it’s been damaging. And unfortunately, I think there’s a lot of the things in our world right now, that are like that as well too. So I’m doing my best focus and trying to live healthy is a international food festival here in long the last night, so I went and got some guy down Chicago, fucking Cherokee. tale to spent before back on food between us. We try to eat healthy, we’re trying to live right?

I’m trying to run or working out, doing it for a long time, several years now, I’m gonna spin to make part of my journey as well to something that I actually felt like it’s playing a big role in my in my life is just this.

When I went through a really devout patch, I put on a ton of weight, my client from about 185 to 280 in a pretty short time period and that’s a rough on your body, man, he fucking got Etchers for it. If I can just be me down and I feel like joint pain, and all this stuff came from that as well too. And also, just this little bit of hot dysmorphic growing to be 280 pounds. Seeing that journey of people reacting to you as they see you going way.

Oh wow, I can… you’re just exploring on to control, you know, a little hand movements to testers to people don’t even know they can’t see this right now.

And then you see yourself at your peak way, and people are looking like, “Oh oh no, oh my Lord, just freaking out. And then you started to go back down and people… oh my God, he’s losing way how to find… so you just get to see how people treat you from all the way from the who I was before, which was… I’m still pretty handsome and stuff, I hope anyways, but I was strong on pier just working out and being strong and playing hockey and spurn in cows every day and then to this big boy, big big bike bride and all the way back down to… to myself. I was a bit about 28, so I never quite got back to that base level, but I’m still trying to push and get there, and I’m pretty happy with where I’m going right now and I think I’ve gained quite a bit. A muscle as well too, which is keeping some weight on my body so you can do so much, you can only do so much work to try to be healthy, and get strong and you can only really difficult to find that balance of even what’s pushing yourself too hard and what’s good for you. Or how much do you wanna work out how much should you do… you have a tan enjoy your life, or do you do… you’ve cut through, ’cause you want all these things really add up and it’s a question of how you want to live your life and priorities and a error. Good or bad. Sometimes I think my priorities are… and I’m only gonna live once I love to this guy, Tim Caro fucking… so I stuck with that.

I’m really working on it. That addictive tend to co-whether it’s marijuana, whether it’s food, whether it’s a psyche, del whether that’s Popolo. Got me right that god damn it, can technology read it to, so we slice this shit. I’ve got that addictive gene in my family, and that’s a hard fucking hard thing to shake in I really don’t drink. And I’m really proud of the fact that I just had a lot of examples around me of people who could drink and he… that seemed like it was an okay thing to do and drink all the time, and every day and whenever you wanted. But I’m really proud that I shot that. I do not have that face desire at all my life seeing the consequences, but I still have these things that way me down and I guess it’s like everyone I know that big sort of hypothesis that theory that I have is that somehow from somewhere, it seems that a lot of people in the world are born with the Vittore. Was something not just born or not just born there shaped into having a void, they didn’t get a spot filled in their childhood, and that that’s what drives so much drop so much addiction, so much by behavior problems with mental health is that void of trying to fill that void, and whatever that is, whether that was, I know you had, you know, a bus of father and an alcohol father or you had a sister who got killed in a car accident or a family member who was disabled on all of these things that can really give you that variant just drives so much activity in our lives and that’s been so really, again, it comes back to this shadow, knowing the shadow self, knowing who that is. And for me, I’m work hard to figure that out as a non-face with it, every day.

I think a lot of us are, we know we know we bought some anger. Something inside my fucking I have that I can feel that my dad had that my grandpa had a bit of that is in us and we can suppress it, press it and push it down, we can let it go. But he obviously is a horrible not letting go in a good way. I use that anger to project and fight and yell and scream and cause man. We can live with it. So that’s where I try to be when I often do, like what I picture or how I wanna do some, some aesthetics around whoever I wanna do what ever the fuck I’m gonna do black and it’s black and white, it’s ink mixed together. ’cause the blackness and the white are they’re separate, but together they’re so close, they merge so closely and they intertwine and mix so closely, but it’s always still a little bit separate. And unfortunately, I know how deep some of those debts of my Voisin there, I’ve been on the edge, I’ve almost lost my life to that body.

I’ve gone to that top of mountain looked over and I almost, I most followed. I think the scary part is just how close we all are. That boy, I didn’t realize how close I was I thought that I was an invincible hockey plain white male smart never have anything bad happened to me, got in with a couple parties and not bad people but people who party, got into some other stuff and followed a control really quickly, and I fell on the fucking Sun in place.

That’s a scary place to be and I… we really do underestimate just how close we are, how close we are to that point than I think anyone can take a couple a unilateral actions choices or like a chess move. You know, it’s like the diagonal is the off the cliff into the void, whether that’s losing your job, I’m breaking up with your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your… you love getting diagnosed with an illness having to have surgery having to lose an arm or anything like that, coaching that can actually happen on a day-to-day basis, those can cause almost anyone to to slip. And I’ve sort of used the word void interchangeably here. I sort of see two of it. The void that is created from a lack of something, or a loss of something. So growing up and not having a father figure, void there, and then there’s also what I’m talking about here where you have something horrible to happen in it creates a boy. I can have just a big an impact you can fall into that void.

I use saying long, that point is dying. I was in the void I didn’t die, but I was in the Bode. And we can all be in that void without dying, and so take care of the careful because you don’t know, I… in hindsight, I didn’t know what those steps were. Those chest moves word that we’re gonna take me off that cliff.

I don’t really wanna see. Obviously, anyone else have to really go to the tumble that I did, and unless I talked about sort of suppressing who I was and really, I think taking away a lot of opportunity in life that I could have lived in, in a different way. That’s good, that’s bad. I have regrets, I don’t have regret sometimes, but we don’t have to have people have in those regrets at all, you’re always gonna have regrets. But we can mitigate it, we can help people become who they wanna be and give them the quality of life that they deserve, it, that everyone deserves an for a time where not a lot of people are getting that unfortunately, in a lot of ways, I guess we have become aggressive, more people have live-in the way that they want to, and at least in terms of sexuality and gender and proud of their culture, but in the same way, we have the complete opposite that as well and so where we can… people who can do it, people who can articulate to articulate it and I’m trying to be one of those people of be yourself, enjoy through your life and live the way that you want to live the way that you deserve to cause the truth is that we… “bonington of them.

Cheesy yes.

Billing out one life got a limit.

Fucking right, man.

25, turn in 26 real soon. I’m seeing my grand fake, I’m seeing my people around me were not that much older than me. Talk about how old they feel, and how quickly time is passing by. Our perception changes every day. Man, it feels like we’re just zooming through life in this hour that I’ve been recording this. It’s a whole other life time already, and it’s already gone in a blink of an eye, though, so that’s why I’m doing this to share. I’ve got some time on a Sunday. I didn’t really have the do anything else and one to have a talk.

I don’t necessarily need to be with anyone I’m talking out with myself and I’m talking out with you, anyone who listens no one listens, and that’s not gonna upset me. I already had this conversation with myself, and I’ve learned and I’ve gained some insights from it. There’s someone who’s listening and made it here and has some other insights for me. You beat us then. That would be overwhelmingly happy to receive them, but I believe is, that’s gonna be a pretty small number. So I’ve just over an hour.

And is there anything else you want to talk about data endanger of course, in Esperanto, myself, I take a second here working on this music is probably not what you want me to come back with, but I’m thinking about it again.

They might even do some after this. It still sounds me. The amount, amount of music, the amount of music videos out of one amount of poems, a mount of spoken word amount of performances and people performing and people who are amazing singers and actors and are they so much as, we’re definitely… I remember I even ten years ago, thinking There’s not enough content to conceal. And now I could consume content I could sit on red it from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed and I would still have not consumed fairly any of raising like three hundred meters of content today scrolling listening this podcast is over, an hour long. This shit is so much, man. There’s no way that this many people can dedicate that much time on.

How can you just create me too, the idea of just building a massive audience and following and so many people have successful. We’d done it. But in this day and age when there’s so many people who are already doing such crazy, amazing stuff and also just crazy thought stuff, but I guess at the same time, he’s always growing rapidly. Expanding adding in people getting new access to the Internet new forms of discovery.

It just makes it, I think, is really intimidating thing and I think a timing thing or a scroll.

Macron her intimidating thing for a lot of people, because it’s so easy to put your heart into everything into passion and art to making music the way that you want to and not getting any progress in terms of that not getting any growing followings or fans or audiences, or any financial support or ability to tour get their music out.

And that’s sad man that’s a side for a lot of people who are amazing artists and people who want to share their stuff. But it’s overrun by a digital world already created and already we manipulated maneuvered by people who have a much greater understanding and bigger budgets and more resources and way more time dedicate this and if not, themselves, they can hire someone to do it. That’s fucking intimidating. And I think that was why in a lot of ways, I had some reservations.

The first of all, the chance to success very small. You can embarrass yourself and shame yourself and really basically void yourself void of career opportunities, especially if you’re a rapper or doing naughty music, you get spotted doing that stuff, you can really lose some opportunities to switch it over into a suit and tie in to five job. People say like tattoos and shift be bad, but tattoos are on your body and you can cover them up a least home. A lot of them like your stuff online, especially once it’s out there and people have got it.

Oh, that’s not going away.

So I think there’s a level of fear that goes along with that, and I think there’s the other side of… I need to learn how to make money first. I was decent at making music, but it all likely had music wasn’t gonna make me that much money. And the other reverse of that, is that by learning how to make money first I could then find my own music. And on top of that, what I figured was if I wanted to eventually do this in my mind, I still will even… I’m getting older, already every second, every moment I’m talking is that I learn the tack and strategies it would actually make do give me an opportunity to be successful if I wanted to do it and I think I’ve accomplished that in some regards, I can fully build scale websites with the ability to sell do memberships, all these subscription things, and I can do quite quite effectively. I’ve made a living actually out of doing that myself, already and I can do a somewhat formal piece and marketing. I don’t like to… like for myself, is what I mean, I don’t like to… a lot of marketing for other people, especially when they’re paying me to do it, but I know that if it’s pay to play, not to people don’t realize, people. Are you thinking the world is the music business? Just an easy thing to break into that you can just all the sudden be a massive star that’s not fucking true. And there is such a machine. Yes, that machine is being decentralized and there’s people popping up independently way more easily than, than ever has been, but in a large way, there are still some gatekeepers. I know a lot of people are on challenging this I don’t know if… and I believe, I don’t have the full knowledge to actually truly make this a 100 percent certain that something that I would listen to with, I would have grain of salt, but to get on radio took at these big campaigns to get sponsors and to work with Sam and that shit is crazy expensive. And you have to know some people, to know some people if you’re trying to go that way to fucking… you gotta know your ship both music-wise, and you gotta know your ship. Both business financial relationship side, too.

I’m working on both.

I let my music slept a bit quite a bit, but I also have a lot more knowledge now. I see what people like seeing the trends. I think I missed a lot of opportunities for some truly original stuff that I had planned and have sort of been done now but there’s still opportunities even with how much content there is out there and I think that gives me a little bit of an upper edge, is that I do have the ability to test target and meet people who are relatively in an audience that I wanted to find which is good.

It was a great interview, but what Coltrane on comment or as complex in complex the other day, the blue print saris amazing series by them. It is complex for sure, and they’re talking to guys like criteria and I’m trying to think, well, if they had on it and Jimmy, I, being some big school people of big cool old school people I guess not one school, they’re still current people.

We made a big shift in culture, in the “hiphop game obviously made some money, but it made some impact along the way as well.

Too. And Scooter-Brown Squier brand was on there, and it was really interesting, but the way that they had to as they would say, break artist is pretty crazy.

There’s a lot of work that goes into it, and you know a lot of them, they’re playing on it now, they’re playing, they’re playing the odds too. Timbaland as he is no fucking clue when he makes a hit email sometimes, and he said “I used to know more, but nowadays you don’t know… you don’t know where the next artist is coming from that you’ve been found in through some Internet rabbit hole loop that you know, brought them from dark web, all the to the forefront of culture quite correctly, whether that’s a little pump art right now, again an ex-nation and died and “Yat crazy.

It’s crazy, I can come out. And I think the other side this tough about this is you feel like you lose your appeal to growing up.

It’s always sort of thought, it’s young people who buy music and those were the ones who are your fans, and we are gonna give you, the living that you need.

That’s one, that’s a very fucking true, anymore though.

No one’s buying any music anymore, is giving says there’s artists out there, getting killed. I don’t know, it’s tough, it’s tough to build an audience, it’s actually gonna be good for you, that’s gonna follow you and be profit before you again. I feel like I’m not kids who are 13, probably aren’t gonna like me, I’m not really targeting them or I guess I’m not really not targeting them, but I just feel like when I at least try to make music somewhat focused on things that often emerge and I don’t hold and come from life experience but it’s, it’s thought it’s finding an audience monetizing audience get that audience to support you if you’re really an artist honestly, they say you make your money during you’ll be had not turn… you’re not gonna see your home for three years because you’re out there doing it, it’s a fucking journey, and you see, does that aligning Drakes new song? Well, it’s not as new son but what did you say the music business cut? Throw it. I’m not the same man.

Yeah, is this industry is fucked up something like that industry is fucked up. I’m not the same man. Industry has cut through something to game plan in ocean.

That’s true, and try saying that and just having the easiest rolls up to the top, I believe, and yet, he’s saying that, and he knows that shit with authority.

So there’s a lot of berries there’s a lot of forces a lot of history, a lot of things have been built over time in this industry and just in this content manufacturing machine in general right now, there are some democratizing forces they’ll be set ourselves be able to do YouTube videos, and do Facebook and those pages and people live in lives on in standards. Crazy shit. You have to navigate it though, you have to navigate it, you have to find your way through. And unfortunately, what I’m seeing is a lot of ways in order to navigate through, you have to put some content out there, you have to put yourself out there somehow, some way. So that’s what I’m doing here and that’s what we’re all trying to do I believe… trying to do it in the best way we can which two to yourself with that?

I been going for an hour and 15 min.

Shit. Some people do these podcasts, and they belong, they be going on forever.

I feel like I have no more words to say.

I feel like I have talked enough. I feel like anyone who has made this far shit, man, that is truly impressive. I’m gonna talk and make people cry to lessen or at least hope the people doesn’t like I should be doing some more valuable stuff, more… be more talking. I didn’t do some video stuff, where I do like how to set AdWords campaigns and shit, maybe, I don’t know, it seems sort of redundant as well too, but just try to give you valuable content that actually helps you your life, and helps you for silicate, growth in yourself. Instead of just open on which I have done here today at the start of this episode, I was pretty green out. Now, I’m green down and decking on the down-slope. And I think I’m gonna come to an end of this little just talk, here’s day Toorak what it says an iTunes right now. I said today, do you ever listen to this in the future? It might say something different, might not even be on here, which means you won’t be listening to it. I guess that’s the other thing here.

How do you differentiate yourself?

That’s why I am going back at the thing that I’m really interested in.

Now, my sound like I have a lot of interest. It’s another problem.

And there in Essen, he curious spoke life and just get fucked up be… you just want to explore everything and do everything wrong, don’t focus retracted all the time, probably stand up comedy hilarious love it, watch it, consume it, trying to do it. Another great way to create content on the great thing to do.

Scary horrifying put yourself on stage trying to make jokes. I’m not that funny, sometimes, sometimes I am other times I’m not, sometimes I have, you know what the thing is sometimes I have no file.

Include why or why not? And I said, One thing you will laugh their ass off I didn’t think that thing would be funny.

Next thing I think is fucking to last no one last… why men?

I’m trying to figure out, I guess I could figure out that I don’t see fucking dining over there to figure out that then I would enjoy doing it maybe, but I think this guy we see him not guys, people that we see on stage who are doing these performances I call the Netflix specials, all that shit. They are tight, routines that they be do and they’ve been working on and they’ve perfected over audiences of different sizes and crowds and demographics and center ratios and all the shit that they’ve done over and over again, and know when they make a slit adjustment on one joke compared to another. Then we’ll get a laugh here. And then if they modify that Joe curve, then they add a little second up fall to a joke there that gets a good lab. They know that shit in and out, that takes up a lot of time experience to do. It reminds me of one joint made that communion documentary where he throws away ever all his notes and he had done a new as fuck, like here are all the way jokes that he’d done in his passing and this fucking for Able. People are built clubs, and these people who do a special after years of touring getting a routine and getting her 60 minutes or whatever it is they’re doing, who… that was painstaking to white Martin had to tick a medal 25 years to get his first good good Hour or something, like it’s crazy. How much dedication and time is pending to just the small perfect micro-moments of laughter and it’s a truly incredible thing that I would love to figure to navigate out and I think a differentiated the fact that you can tell jokes in person compared to just like being online and often being awkward and life or not really being led to do much on stage, I think it’s a really good way to different yourself is still at the same time, everyone doing that shit, every one’s down jokes manner than their fucking comedian and most people dancing big much to turn on an yolks getting a couple of legs making 150 bucks spending that Uber going home, listen to a couple autobiographies of comedians, if you couldn’t tell.

But it’s a skill, and it’s something I hope to master at some point in my life, of working on it. Not successful half the time. One thing that I have become clear of that I think is really funny and I mean this is obvious but I can stand up, I’m just making a joke. It’s the set up of what you set up something and then you just give them a complete unexpected, so you mister ECM basically and then hit them with that relatively wild thing that they weren’t expected. And he can’t even think of my joke right now. Like, you know, it’s one was as album. I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome.

No, any potted okay.

It’s awesome that to expect it, just that expected unexpected little turn there.

I thought “That’s just a little started to pick up and notice. And I’ve realized if I say, if I put myself in a situation of saying that with an unexpected thing at the end, I can get a laugh. And that’s been really hilarious to see that. And you look at some other forms of just how you can get jokes across and hit them consistently. And I do, I can’t remember much, but one thing I do sort of remember is if I can get a laugh out of someone, I’ll put that in a little tummy now, at my mind and actually have a… every, a little document to that.

All that made them laugh at the time.

I looked back at that note and I came and tell what was in it.

You know what I still am, out of with the joke with even, there’s nothing funny about it, but… and then I get a good one that I can refer back to until at any time or a story that I can tell any time that if I meet someone new that I’m trying to light in the mood or just trying to build on something that they’ve said.

I’ll tell that joke or tell that starting and I know I don’t get a laugh. So, that you wonder how many parts of people’s lives are pre-programmed how authentic is this, how many times we repeated these same moments you meet these people who are like amazing speakers and seem like they’re talking to you so authentically, and personally they never talked to anyone else in their life. It’s like the first time they’ve talked to and any one in like four months, so they were so excited. But how much of that has been performed and rehearsed many, many times and they just know from the twitches on the people as they’ve been talking to their eyes and stuff like that.

“Oh wow, they really enjoy that. Or they in… and then, just made their shifts and improvements through years of talking. That’s crazy, me people are… so, we find in some areas of their life and speaking and it’s really weird when you can see this guy is told this story and he knows where it’s going, and he knows exactly what he’s gonna get to laugh and that’s what’s so beautiful to stand-up comedy and just think, just comedy and just what makes people laugh and the funny-ness in life. It’s such an important piece, it’s been a coping mechanism for myself in so many people in the world and I know there’s a lot of tragic comedians and all that stuff that comes out of there, but it’s needed and all those days when I think of the world at its darkest, it’s Come and watching the tribune on The Daily Show was in Stephen Colbert was on some Belmar.

Watch some John over to get… make some light of the darkness that’s there. It’s, it’s important.

I don’t think I got no more jokes going or not more.

Alright, has now been now and a half. You ask myself again to God.

Damn it, on roll unreal on roll out some cover some privacy scanner the other day or a couple of years ago. But what they do is, you all those newsletters or every time you sign up for something, they do to add you to the newsletter. I start to get a lot of newsletters and shit unsubscribe from them or something. You don’t know if you should onscreen this email plug and call on Rome and it basically you can unsubscribe you, can bulk unsubscribe from all the subscriptions fall and gathering up all that when you can in them to a roll-up basically meeting into email once a day. With all the summaries of the emails and you can go and view those attachments or there’s also the ability just leave it in your inbox.

Cool little or free plug-in tool. It’s weird to see that you like unsubscribe from emails and people will add you back. And so, focus scribe subscribe, you back.

I said your emails again. Even though you know it’s a legal man, should record that stuff and find that they can use some money, who you can hear that a back on, just walk around in this low right now, it’s a beautiful space to record, it’s got some windows that I can look through really do love it up here, especially when it’s nice and cool which it is today. Actually, I really hope that someone doesn’t listen to this one day and just thinks this is a hilarious, ridiculous thing that on can just wrote me with it, I hope I don’t know, I’m gonna do more of the stuff though, what it does in the past. Sometimes I do like… and I never released any then, but some of them were pretty no bathing anyway, they were like, ambient beach and those three-hour jazz, hip hop things, that you can listen to when your studying, or whatever we’re working out or exercising or just hanging handset. transitioned through the beats. And I would talk for “Bethnal then I would actually like rapid perform for and just do.

And it was pretty cool sometimes, is I had no idea what beats were coming or anything, I would always try to not listen to it before, or if anything, just like I had a couple of spots and see if there were any good beats before I did it, so I knew that I was at least gonna get some quality stuff. That was some amazing stuff that came out of that. I really wish I had pursued that and followed up with another one of those things. I just have seen this transition from… what were previously just one single songs, obviously singles, and more staff like that, but just songs Hong song sung songs song stuff stacked on album. And now what we’re often more seeing are like songs still, broken into different songs, but their transitions and example I would use that would be blue-by-she and Smith on his first album, a fire siren. Big show on a couple of is basically transitioned in Kendal. Mark on, is transitioning beats mid-song or even towards the end of songs to now bring it into the new songs. I think a lot of that actually started and watch the throne trying to think one else. I first start a saw that big show was one of the big first beat transitions and did a lot on his… not his last album but I believe his album before that. So I’m really interested in that. And what I’ve seen is a massive popularity and those live streams, a hip-hop streams on YouTube, that people are just causally in to his office like 20000 people listening to them all the time, and it’s just some dueling hip-hop beats for 24 hours a day, all the time.

Oh no, you know what guys, give me a second here. That’s a running low.

I been hurting his stuff.

Or holy, it’s too bad.

The podcast in space is so saturated into a bear. I wish I could have some success on it if I could just talk all day and do something like this, but I also have friends and people that I could talk to, obviously in the archetype of Jeroen and some of the other people who doing successful podcasts like Sam Harris’s.

But again, it’s time I can’t listen to every god damn podcast on ‘how Joe “Wogan always says that he listens to people’s podcast and certain about that pop Canoga are to see every person that comes on to his podcast have their own podcast and he’s like, “Oh I listen to your podcast and Joe’s no way you sit there for 24 hours of your day and listen to all your body’s pot. Gosh, now if I can true must her to clip or something but it’s so saturated again, no one’s probably gonna listen to the shit in here though, I’m taller. I have quite an interesting dynamic of my public facing persona and often who I am right now. I find this a little bit of a stark contrast sometimes, and I don’t really appreciate that. I’m trying to let my real personality, bleed through and trying to do more like “Fuck it, man, like Fuck.

The world it’s fucking falling apart right now. Man, I wanna be the fuck I am, if I can swear, I can say it in weeks. Legal in Canada or fucking give a shit.

And it is, it’s Calicut. there right now, and I’m refused to just be some… boron is due. Just pretending like going on is normal.

It was fucking not how a into me and live a life that I am trying to I’m trying to lose out through me. Maybe I’m over-compensating. And now, this rant is coming out of that, I don’t know.

And right now I’m talking into you.

Blue Yeti Pro. You’re not giving me anything back but the other way of course is like I do this podcast.

It’s been now, an hour or 30. I just sound crazy, by the end of it, which I might have some from the beginning.

Oh no, and… and this… don’t know how long, I’m trying to go for. I didn’t really have a purpose or destination. I’m just talking about my girlfriend’s going to 40 PM, it’s now the PM so I’ve been going for quite a god damn while I in gonna pull it off here, I’m gonna upload it. There’s a lot of shit in there, that if anyone did want to listen to like “Damn I’m actually gonna transcribe this stuff as well. too. I’m gonna start to do these podcasts, and then transcribe the whole thing after if anything ever comes out of that. But my goal is to get some niches that I’m driving and creating content around and eventually categorize that. Keep in on “tottori and dot com for basically the rest of my entire life, build up quite a database of content, transcribed content audio content, video content and at some form at least have an archive of who I am and hopefully give me some leverage to one day actually build an audience, but following that can support a life that gives a relatively passive income that I can choose and have some opportunities and choices in what I want to do data day and also how I wanna make money, spend money, and live my life. Yeah, it’s weird but I talk like that, right? I don’t know what that is.

I think it might be a relatively obvious to see here, but… and so quickly, my cadet my pace, my mood when I talked, what I’m talking about how I’m talking changes on now, that’s ’cause I’m coming out, some green. I don’t know if that’s ’cause I’m bipolar, I hate that fucking word. I don’t know if that’s because I’m again over compensating, ’cause I’m nervous and I’ve now been talking for an hour and thirty two and I don’t know if I’ve said anything of substance I don’t know, but I’ve enjoyed this.

I think gonna go… and this I’m gonna go from my run. Let’s do that tether for run testify this broadcast this time.

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